Sunday, May 29, 2011

You asked for it, you get it!

I'm entering a "first-250-words" contest run by Shelley Watters, so followers of my blog get to read part of my prologue.  Let me know what you think.  Just know, this is a thriller, so the scene gets rather graphic. This part isn't bad, but if you don't enjoy that sort of thing, I'd stop reading now.  Just FYI.  CODE is a 67,000 word medical thriller.




  The woman lay naked on the bench, arms tied out from her tiny body, making her look like she was being crucified horizontally.  Her long blonde hair coiled under her head, which was taped down to the rough, splintered boards beneath her.  A tube snaked into her lungs and fogged with each breath.  She struggled with the bonds tying her petite arms and legs to the boards they lay upon.
            Her scrubs were piled in the corner, white coat crumpled on top of the pile.  A young man bent over the coat and pulled off a pin.  The diamonds that created a shape of a bone sparkled in the bright light of the barn.  Spotlights had been hung in the corners, and their beams focused on the woman on the bench.
            He pocketed the pin and went over to a box in another corner of the structure.  He pulled out a brown bottle and a scalpel.  He placed a surgical mask over his mouth and nose prior to walking over to the woman.  The woman tried to scream against the tube in her throat.  No sound emerged.
            He stood to the left of his patient.  The woman squinted in the bright light shining down on her.  He opened up the brown bottle, and poured the liquid onto the woman’s left side.  The woman’s left breast and chest stained amber under the solution.  He reclosed the bottle and set it aside.  He hoisted the scalpel, checking the blade for any nicks.  It was perfect.

8 comments:

  1. Nikki, I want to read more!

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  2. This is a very intriguing opening. Scary. Definitely makes me want to know more about who these people are and what's being done to this poor woman.

    A few little nitpicks:

    You say she's laying on a bench, with her arms spread wide. I'm confused by that because I think of benches as being narrow so don't know what her arms are attached to.

    I think I would edit this line: "tying her petite arms and legs to the boards they lay upon." To smooth it out, I would lose "they lay upon."

    You call her a patient at one point but she seems to be more of a captive. The way she's reacting, it doesn't seem like he's trying to heal her.

    The spotlights seem to be misplaced in that paragraph. Maybe you could mention them in the first paragraph.

    Instead of saying "prior to walking over to the woman," it would be stronger if you said, "and walked over to the woman."

    A very creepy open. Good luck with the contest.

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  3. Very creepy. Very dark. Good job scaring the reader and making them want to read more.

    "making her look like she was being crucified horizontally." Crucified is such a strong and evocative word I think it would be better to just end it there and not add horizontally.

    "The woman’s left breast and chest stained amber under the solution" Shouldn't it be WERE stained??

    Good luck in the contest!

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  4. I don't read much thriller so my comments might not help much. I agree with the above comment about bench and also horizontally. Both threw me off in the beginning.
    I feel that you have done an excellent job with some description but that resulted in other things being left out, leaving me with a ton of questions. I know nothing about the mc.

    Is she a doctor? Is that why her scrubs and white jacket are in the corner?

    The diamond bone? I have no idea what this is, and I can't picture it.

    He stood at the left side of HIS patient. So is he a doctor?

    I am sure these questions are summed up in the pages after this one, but I wanted to point out what I got confused about in this section.

    Good Luck!

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  5. I think you've got a great premise. I felt like there was suspense building from the start, and the little details are what made the story. The bone-shaped diamond pin that he took from her jacket, the fact he saw her as a patient instead of as his captive...all have great little subtleties that make a scene feel complete.

    Keep an eye out for repetition. For instance, in the first paragraph you start by telling us she's small and bound. So in the last sentence same paragraph: She struggled with the bonds tying her petite arms and legs to the boards they lay upon.
    I think you can shorten it to 'she struggled with her bonds', and convey the same meaning.

    Overall, great hook. It gives off a dark and twisted feeling that's compelling and frightening at the same time.

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  6. This a very dark, sinister opening. I like it! Just watch for wordiness. For example, I'd tighten up your first paragraph like this...

    The woman lay naked on the bench, arms tied out from her tiny body, making her look like she was being crucified. Her long blonde hair coiled under her head, which was taped to the rough, splintered boards beneath her. A tube snaked into her lungs and fogged with each breath. She struggled with the bonds tying her petite arms and legs to the boards.

    Although, looking at it again, how can her arms be tied out from her body if she's on a bench. What are they tied to???

    I'd read on!

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  7. Hey Nikki, this is C.J. FOUND IT! Today, the linked worked for me.

    I am all over this and can't wait to read on (hint hint).

    It is very dark and extremely creepy. She is tied to rough boards in a barn. The barn is set up ahead of time with spotlights and all his surgical needs. A worst nightmare come true.
    ( glad you didn't do something cliche like "She woke up tied to ..." )

    I agree with some of the comments above. Particularly about the bench. What I am picturing (after reading it again) is a makeshift table made out of the "rough, splintered" boards.

    I am NOT confused over calling her a patient, but she's treated as a captive. That's the point. He believes she IS his patient. Goosebumps.

    I'm not in the medical field( I see you are). The first time I read the first paragraph, I thought she had a chest tube. Then she "tried to scream against the tube in her throat" I had to go back and read the first paragraph again.

    I am sure avid readers of medical thrillers would catch this and know what you meant by "snaked into her lungs".

    This is great Nikki. The ending sentence made me shiver.

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  8. Thanks, everyone, for your comments. I really appreciate it! I think I'm in love with the writer community-- everyone is so willing to help other people.

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