Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open” These four words will be included in the word count.
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), use the same beginning words and end with the words: "the door swung shut." (also included in the word count)
For those who want an even greater challenge, make your story 200 words EXACTLY!
I don't know how it'll turn out, but I had fun doing it. I managed to complete all three aspects of the challenge, all before having coffee, which is pretty incredible for me. So, without further ado, here it is!
The door swung open, revealing the chaos within. No light existed in this vacuum, the light from the hallway bulb fighting to illuminate the space. The stench of something long forgotten wafted up from the floor, assaulting nostrils and offending sensibilities. I feared what I might find as I contemplated the unthinkable: entering.
Perhaps I was over thinking things. As far as I knew, no one had entered the door and failed to return. All I had to do was go in, complete my task, and get out. Simple, right?
But I didn’t do well with small, enclosed spaces. I didn’t do well with manual labor. And this job combined the two in a place that scared me. It needed to be done, though. I rolled up my sleeves, took a deep breath, and entered.
I looked around the area. Games were on the top shelf, clothes were stuffed into every conceivable corner, and an old bowling ball of my dad’s threatened to fall off a shelf in the corner. One small bump is all it would take. It would land on my foot and break it.
Enough. I was out of this closet. Behind me, the door swung shut.
That's it. Questions? Comments? Ways to improve? All are welcome. My entry is number 17-- don't forget to "like" it if you do, in fact, like it.
That is quite excellent. Very chilling and suspenseful.
ReplyDeleteLove it! And I got a real sense that you were looking into my storage room by the end of it. (Were you? Except I don't own a bowling ball. Good thing. I think it would be painful to have a bowling ball land on one's toe. Or one's head.)
ReplyDeleteVery nice, but your second line kinda contradicts itself... though I get what you mean. I want to know who shut the door behind him/her :)
ReplyDeleteWhat was the "stench of something long forgotten"????
ReplyDeletesounds like a neurotic kid playing hide and seek!
ReplyDeletegreat description =)
Sounds like a hall closet filled with weird stuff that no one can remember putting into it! Made me want to read more. Good job!
ReplyDeleteOooh, I'm claustrophobic, too - don't go in there! Nice job on your scene. I'm a new follower stopping by from the campaign:)
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, for the kind comments. I love that I've gotten some of you thinking about it-- that's my goal!
ReplyDelete@1000th.monkey, I see what you mean. (Pun intended???) The light was coming from OUTSIDE, getting sucked into the void inside. If I revised, that's one thing I'd definitely address.
@Alleged Author-- what do YOU think the stench is? A dirty sweat sock? A dead mouse? Or something far more sinister?
Great descriptions! I was thinking something much darker at the beginning, but you left me thinking about what really was going on at the end. Nice job! :)
ReplyDeleteAlong with Christine, I was thinking something much darker at the beginning also. I especially love "contemplating the unthinkable: entering." Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me again to ask my daughter if her lunchbox was still in her backpack in the closet! Thanks for the reminder. I'm #72
ReplyDelete@Bridget-- happy to help!
ReplyDeleteWho would think a closet could be such a terrifying place. I'm with your character. No closet like that for me!
ReplyDeleteGreat entry, Nikki! :)
Thanks David!
ReplyDeleteTo everyone who visits, don't forget to "Like" this on the Rachel Harrie site (if you do, in fact, like it, of course). I'm number 17. :)
I Loved this! Great job and before coffee wow!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.doreenmcgettigan.com
Yes, yes, you most clearly have a way with words and make entire phrases almost spitting copies of rubies and diamonds, and what is more is how you intentionally made it so rich only to swell the all too simple scene of a terrifying closet.
ReplyDeleteMy mom's old linen closet (housing everything but linen ironically) use to be like that.
Anyway, it was a wonderful beginning. SOme jewels were definitely marinated in there.
Great job! I hate closets! Nothing good happens inside...
ReplyDeleteVery cute- maybe she should just nail that door shut.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Reminds me of the locker I shared in high school...horrifying! 0.0
ReplyDeleteThis was fun because I was picturing something much more menacing at first. ;)
I want to know why she was in there lol! Well done.
ReplyDeleteNo light existed in this vacuum, the light from the hallway bulb fighting to illuminate the space.
ReplyDeleteHOW ABOUT:
The light from the bulb in the hallway fought to illuminate the space.
I was sure it was the PE store at school - realising it was somewhere at home made me smile :)
Loved your imagery. Nothing scarier than cleaning out a long forgotten closet. This was a nice direction I hadn't yet read in the challenge.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone, for stopping by! I'm glad you seem to be enjoying my writing. This is such a new thing for me, so I really appreciate it. :)
ReplyDeleteHa! I like that you made something relatively innocuous seem so sinister and scary.
ReplyDelete